I hear you, hard-hitting Mass readings.

Sometimes, I have a difficult time gleaning personal lessons from Scripture.  Sometimes the readings at Mass seem so far out of reach, unlearnable by my narrow-minded brain.  But today wasn't one of those days.

There is no fear in love...
But Lord, I have so much fear.  Fear of the unknown, of being wrong, of authenticity, of eternity, of love.  You know, oh Lord.  
...but perfect love drives out fear...
The catch-22 of being afraid of love is that only love itself removes the fear.  It takes a risk, like calling out to a ghost on the water. It takes a step of courage, a leap of faith.  Faith in the unknown, trusting that something or someone will be there.
...and so the one who fears is not yet perfect in love.
You of all people, Lord, know that my love isn't perfect.  I fall so short in so many areas.  Because loving is difficult.  Loving others, loving God, loving myself, loving my work: it's all a struggle at times.  Which makes the act of reaching out to my Savior all the more important.
He saw that they were tossed about ... they had all seen him and were terrified.
Because who wouldn't be afraid of Love Himself approaching?  Those who know not the Lover fear the love He gives.  So why would they invite Him into their craft?
Take courage, it is I, do not be afraid!
And He reached out His hand, and as they accepted Him into their small, rocking boat, He drew them to Himself.  It's a giving-and-receiving, this Love.
They had not understood ... their hearts were hardened.

Today, when I reached out my hand for the chalice, I reached out my hand from my creaking boat.  And He took my offered hand, and lowered Himself onto the seat beside me.  And I prayed, Lord, I'm afraid I don't know how to love You very well.
And He replied, Take courage, it is I, do not be afraid.

The Holy Family is stalking me.
No, but really.  They keep showing up in various places in my life.  And they're doing it as a group and individually... I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  It is, after all, kind of their month.  

At first, it was difficult to see how I could learn from them.  After all, 2/3 of their family was perfect, and the other 1/3 was top-of-the-charts holy.  How could I enter into their family, to allow myself to learn and grow?

The final straw occurred when I attended an Opus Dei Evening of Recollection with my sister this past Monday, and 2 of the talks were, again, on the Holy Family.  Fine, I thought.  If this practical priest thinks they're relevant, I will do my best to change my thinking.

So I'm beginning to pay attention.

I'm starting to see the beauty of Mary, a young woman, unsure of her future, but knowing that God's plan is bigger than her own.  And I realized I could learn from that.
I'm entrusting myself to Joseph, the protector, whose quiet guidance and gentle strength was Mary's support.  
And I realized I could learn from that.
I'm meditating on the helplessness of the tiny Son of God, who allowed Himself to be placed in the most difficult conditions for the good of others.  
And I realized I could learn from that.

This time of year, it's hard to think about anything except the busyness, the gifts, the events, and yes, even the disagreements.  We tell ourselves that "It's all about Jesus", but do we live like it's all about Him?

This Christmas, I'm challenging myself to make it about Him.  I'm learning from Mary, as a young woman preparing for my last semester of undergrad, unsure of what next August will bring, but trusting that God knows what I need better than I do.  I'm looking to Joseph as a protector, someone who I can reach out to at any moment, someone who wasn't perfect, who knew sin, but who was strong and quiet in his faith.  And I'm learning from my Savior, that just as He offered Himself to us in a stable, on that quiet night so many years ago, in order that He could serve us and help us, so too am I asked to offer myself in service to others, sacrificially and selflessly.  

 As the activities of the coming week become more stressful, may we all find peace in the Truth of the Nativity and comfort in the arms of the Holy Family.

The Lighthearted Version:
Oh my goodness, you guys.  The semester is almost over.  I've survived fall of my Senior year, and in 5 short days, I'll be home for Christmas!
Some items of potential interest....
You know the song "Mary, Did You Know?"  It's one of my favorite Christmas songs.  By Christmas songs, I don't mean "songs I like to hear at Mass", but one of those songs that I looooooove hearing on the radio.  Before I go on, let's check out my new favorite rendition of the song...

Lately, lots of my Facebook friends have been bashing the song, saying how theologically inaccurate it is, how we shouldn't listen to it, etc.  I could type out all my thoughts on the matter (of which I have many), but instead, I'll let this CatholicVote article speak for me.

I am finally done reading JPII's Theology of the Body.  Man, was that an undertaking!  It's one of those books that I expect to go back to at least once a year, even if just to skim my underlinings.

One of my professors this semester was Bob Rice- a speaker, musician, youth minister and all-around amazing man.  I think I can speak for our whole class by saying that we learned a lot about youth ministry through his class, and we're all excited to have him again next semester for another youth ministry class.
At the beginning of the year, he told us we wouldn't have Youth Ministry class on the last day of class, as he'd be out of town.  Last night, we found out why.... 

The lets-be-real Version
Oh my goodness you guys this semester is almost over and I have 8 days till I'm home and there's so much to do and ahhhh.  These last two weeks have been rough- full of assignments and work and so many things that I just had to do.  This week, I've applied for one graduate school, booked plane tickets to another grad school, turned in my 40-page double thesis (**happy dance**).  It was so much more exhausting than I thought it would be, and I'm so glad I did it, but I'm also overjoyed to be DONE.

This is a pretty accurate "story" of this thesis... first, the tired face of the 29-page rough draft.  Then, late nights filled with editing, more research, and large coffees.  And finally, the still-dead-tired but elated face of 40 pages of hard work.  I've yet to receive my grade, but I'm cautiously hopeful.  Oh, my topic?  "The Evils of Pornography and its Effects on Today's Youth"  It was a heavy topic to research, but I learned a lot and since I've sent it to over 30 friends since turning it in, I'm hoping that my little paper is having an impact, even in a small way.

These last 2 weeks have also been filled with stress from work.... there have been a lot of chapel events recently, most of which are time-consuming, such as the 2 1/2 hour Eucharistic praise-and-worship tonight and 4 hour (including set-up and take-down) Mass with our local bishop yesterday.  And it's not over.... Monday is a holy day of obligation, and our Bishop is coming again on Thursday!  As much as I absolutely love my job, it will be lovely to be able to simply attend liturgies over Christmas break.  I need a spiritual reboot!

Have a blessed 2nd Sunday of Advent!
Veni, veni, Emmanuel!

My last two weeks have been reminiscent of a swimming relay where I'm not allowed to breathe until after 100 meters.  I finished 100, and am in the middle of another 50 until I breathe again.  {this is what happens when I'm sleep deprived: you get strange metaphors that have nothing to do with my actual life}

Later this week, I have an exciting announcement to share, but until then, I leave you with "The Lazy Person's Blog Post".
Here's what I've been up to lately:

reading:: "A Whitewashed Life" | Minimalist Wardrobes | Essential Oils | "You Just Broke Your Child"
laughing:: Artist Removes One Letter from Famous Movie Titles & Illustrates the Result
watching:: Brooklyn Nine Nine
listening:: Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" | OneRepublic's "Marchin' On"
writing:: an 18-page paper in 2 days and a 35-page paper in 7 days
getting distracted:: BaubleBar | eShatki | pixel scrapper
celebrating:: household inductions last night
looking forward to:: going home next weekend for a formal dinner and auction
praying:: to keep my sanity

I was recently watching a video which issued a challenge: invest in personal relationships over virtual relationships.  It stated that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely, and all too often, our obsession with virtual reality makes us more lonely (even though we're "connecting" with people).

I took this challenge to heart and trotted off to Facebook-land to purge my 'friend list'.  Surely, I thought, the fewer 'Facebook friends' I have, the less time I'll spend wasting time on Facebook.  So I clicked to my profile, then my friends list ... and friend-requested 3 people and accepted another request.  Whoops.

Thinking I'd have more success on Twitter, I proceeded over there next.  After wasting 10 minutes clicking links posted by the people I follow, I finally un-followed 13 people, wondering why I was following the CIA and "German translations" in the first place.

Feeling like a media failure for investing so much time in my virtual realities, I took a deep breath and deleted Facebook from my phone.  Done.  And then I came here to blog about it.

Where is the balance?  I think one of the keys is to allow my time online to lead into better, deeper relationships with people in real life.  I think this is one of the reasons that I find it so hard to delete 'friends' on Facebook- because I'm afraid that 'delete' will mean we'll never connect in real life again.  The question, though, is this: if I haven't spoken to that high school classmate in 4 years or my previous RA in 3 years, even online, then what are the chances we'll reconnect now?  And, with technology, couldn't we find each other anyway, if we wanted to?

There's no denying that media can be good, useful, even lead us closer to God.  I can say with confidence that videos, blog posts, or Catholic images I've seen on the internet have inspired me to grow in my faith journey.  It's when they promote distance or even prevent us from having a faith life altogether that it becomes problematic.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go delete at least 5 Facebook friends.  Baby steps, they say.  And then I'm logging off and attending praise and worship.  Tomorrow, the first thing I will do is say a prayer to my Creator, instead of logging on to Facebook. Slowly, I'll begin to reconnect with real people around me.

And I challenge you to do the same.

I'm really bad at Confession - as in, the sacrament.  For example, until 18 months ago, I had no idea that apparently, the average person doesn't simply list their sins matter-of-factly and then stop, waiting for the priest to say something.  Apparently instead, people speak as if in a conversation, and then conclude with some version of "for these and all the sins I have committed, I am truly sorry."
Who knew?

I remember learning this from my spiritual director in Austria, at which point I panicked that I would have to think of casual things to say in the middle of a very serious sacrament.
"And I'm just really struggling to believe such-and-such ..." or "It feels as though God is distant..." or anything else like that just seemed very odd for me to say.  But I have learned, at least a little bit.

For the longest time, I had very strong opinions of how I wanted Confession to go.  If I needed confession, I didn't want sympathy from the priest.  I wanted him to be at least somewhat harsh.  I had sinned, darn it!  His words to me should reflect my failure!  I remember a particularly kind priest who, after I unloaded my soul, was helpful and gentle and wonderful.  "Why couldn't he have been meaner??" I complained to Fr. S, my spiritual director, later that week.  "I didn't deserve the kindness he showed me!"

So I dragged my sorry self over to the chapel a half hour before confessions started, because we're Catholic college students and the confession line is always pathetically and extraordinarily long.  I got to the front of the line and then made my way across the sanctuary to where Father was sitting.  He greeted me, and we talked casually for a minute because hey, why not.  After I had confessed my sins, he paused a moment, and I sat in silence.  Then,

Ooh, man.  That was the only thing he said, before giving me my penance.  Normally, it would have killed me.
But you know what?  I finally got it.  Sometimes I don't need to hear more harsh words or scoldings.  Sometimes I just need to hear a spiritual father telling me what my Heavenly Father wants me to know.

It's not all necessarily about what I do, but rather who I am as a daughter of God.  Simply doing all the time until I'm too busy to stop won't get me an inch closer to Heaven.  It's instead how much I allow myself to grow that will make an impact, and will then effect my life, no matter how calm or busy I am.  While I may think that I "don't have time" to take a walk or get coffee with a friend, it's these times of recharging that prepare me for my next task of doing the Lord's will.

As I prepare for this homecoming weekend, complete will 3 large-scale Masses and a Eucharistic procession, I will do my best to take a little time for myself, just enjoying the day.  It is peaceful union with God that father encouraged, and that my Father desires.

I not only received forgiveness of my sins last night, but the gentle nudge necessary to wake me up from my delusion.  
So I'd say it was a good confession.

{linking up with Jen at Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes}

--1--

I just returned from household Senior Night.  We went to a sister's house for margaritas, a fun game, and a time for sharing where we are in this year of "lasts".  It really made it real that come May, my life will be a lot different than it has been for the last 17 years that I've been attending school!  Even if I go on to graduate school, it'll change.  But it's a good kind of change, I do believe.  It so exciting to think that I can literally do anything I want following graduation!  What an adventure I'll be going on!

--2--

The other night, my roommate and I had dinner where all we talked about was Austria.  She was there last semester, and it's been almost a year and a half since I was there.  It was crazy to relive some of the trips I took and compare stories from pilgrimages and mission trips that we did in common.  But something was different with this conversation - in the past, I've just wanted to go back every time I've thought about Austria.  This time, though, while I still wanted to go back, I could recognize that I was there at a certain time for a reason, and it wouldn't be the same to return now.  It did my heart good, and even though I still reminisce about St. Peter's Square, I know that if I'm meant to go back someday, it'll happen.

--3--

Last weekend I attended a mandatory conference for my Catechetics major.  Usually I go into mandatory conferences expecting very little, which was the case last weekend.  But I was blown. away.  It merits its own full post, so I'll write about it this coming week.  But it was all about beauty and art and architecture and how all of those tie into catechetics.  a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

--4--

Let's talk books.  I've been reading a lot of them recently, but none of them are for fun.  Unfortunately, reading for fun one of my primary ways of de-stressing, so to not have that this semester has been difficult.  Thankfully, my required reading books have been great so far!

--5--

--6--

Our weather this week has been absolutely incredible.  It's making me really excited for fall (which is good, since I don't control the weather...).  Although I made the mistake of getting a pumpkin spice latte at our campus coffee shop last week.  I thought I liked pumpkin spice lattes, but apparently not.  :/

--7--

I have a prayer request for someone from back home.  The Lenaburg family has a 22-year-old daughter, Courtney, who has special needs and near-daily seizures, and she has been given 3-6 months to live.  Their hospital bills are through the roof, and Mr. Lenaburg is being laid off at the beginning of October.  I know they'd really appreciate your prayers.  And if you feel called to and are able to, there is a GoFundMe account set up to offset their unavoidable bills.  Thanks.

Have a beautiful weekend!  

** links to Amazon are affiliate links, which means that if you purchase through my link, I will receive a small commission.

Have you ever been just straight-up exhausted?  And not from lack of sleep, but from trying?
Sometimes effort is wearying.  It drags me down and threatens to suffocate the strength I have left.  

Over the last 4 weeks, I've been placing a significant amount of effort into a single relationship.  It's a meaningful one to me, and has been a major source of support in the past.  But as we began growing further and further apart this school year, I questioned why I still cared.  Why, even though I felt ignored, did I still desire to be present?  

C.S. Lewis has a brilliant quote which I have loved for a long time.  He says,

I had been vulnerable in this relationship.  I had given myself in so many ways, and it had been mutually beneficial.  But something changed.  Somehow, that vulnerability turned sour for both of us, and our closeness ultimately became our downfall.

Because we both loved, our hearts were subsequently wrung and broken.

I am changing.  She is changing.  And we are changing differently, in two separate directions.  This led to a semi-dramatic week in which neither of us knew how to interact with the other, and were each afraid of approaching the topic.  I did all that I could, but it ended up only escalating the distance.  I can only speak for myself, but it was out of a fear of hurting her that I ran from the confrontation.

It hurts, and deeply.  

When we finally spoke again, we came to a painful conclusion: things cannot be as they were.  Because we are each changing so drastically, we cannot go back to the way we were friends back in May.

It is now tempting to distance myself from any sort of vulnerability at all, to isolate myself in my room and pretend to solely be diligent with my work.  It is tempting to feign holiness and prayerfulness and just-fine-ness.  It is tempting to run from any other relationship, no matter how deep or superficial, for fear of being hurt once again.

But I know better than any of that.  Because our Lady felt isolated at the foot of the Cross, as well, and our Lord was abandoned by His friends in His greatest hour of need.  And yet they continued to be there for others, giving of themselves even when it appeared that they had nothing left to give.  {Of course, they both had the benefit of perfection of their side ... I am far from perfection.}

If I am called to give of myself, from the depths of my heart, then I will be supplied the graces to do so.  And if I am called to change in even greater ways than I already have, I will most definitely be given all the tools and supports that I need to put that change into effect.

Heartache can be a prompt for good things, I am finding.  And while this isn't necessarily a lesson I wanted to learn right now, perhaps it is a lesson I needed.

Oy vey.

These two weeks, guys.  They were the weeks to end all weeks (remind me during Easter that I said this, and I can laugh about it then).  I've been through 9 days of classes and received all my assignments for the semester .... over 1400 pages to read, 60+ pages to write, and multiple presentations to give.  Yoikes.  

But somewhere between all the assignments and to-do lists, I have learned so much about myself during these first two weeks of school.

I've learned the importance of my household sisters, and what a blessing it is to flop down on the floor with them to ask "how are you?" and end up talking for 2 hours.
I've learned (again) that I am capable of leadership and that it's ok for me to accept that.
I've learned that a supportive thesis advisor is one of the greatest blessings of a senior's year.
I've learned that my school isn't perfect, and that "politics" are so. incredibly. stupid.
I've learned that sometimes, the necessary thing to do is to drive a half hour to Barnes & Noble, just to have extreme introvert time.
I've learned that honesty is always the best policy, and if there's a question of "Do I chance offending him/her and have the conversation?", the answer is usually yes, have the conversation.
I've learned that it's acceptable to not be ok 100% of the time, and that it's alright to tell friends when you're having a rough day. I've learned that sometimes saying something is the hardest thing to do, but sometimes, staying quiet is harder.
I've learned that sometimes, the Lord piles thing upon thing on your plate, just so you'll learn to trust in His ultimate, supreme goodness and plan.

I've learned that the Lord speaks through simplicity and calm, not drama and chaos.  That He is interested in me as individual me and not in relation to the millions of other people on the planet.  That He desires intimacy with me, through the sufferings that He allows me to endure, not because I've deserved it (because I haven't), but because I am unique, irreplaceable, and His own daughter.  And that I cannot compare my journey to sanctity with the journeys of others, because in doing so, I place myself in danger of despair and confusion and drive myself further from the side of the Lord who only wants me to lean against Him in confidence.

Essentially, I can see that I am being shaped through the difficulties of this semester.  And while I know that it won't be an easy journey over the next 8 months 'til graduation, I know that it will be a time of grace and love, if only I allow it to be.

The irony of today is that I have 7 things on my checklist I still need to do before I go to sleep. It's 1:15 pm, and sleep won't come for at least 12 hours. And yet here I sit at Johnny's Tire, staring at Firestone posters and hearing language you'd find in an Irish pub as the stench of rubber slowly creeps into my jeans. Because there's a nail in my back left tire, and that's not something that can wait.

And as much as I'd like to be frustrated, I know I can't be.

I'm slowly learning that God's timing is funny like this. That most times when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, He springs something on me to make me wait. Wait and trust. Trust that if it needs to happen, He'll help it happen.

It doesn't matter that I haven't written the talk I'm giving on Tuesday. That the binders I'm handing out Monday morning aren't assembled. That I need to plan a game of jeopardy. Lunch may be a wise option, as well. I was stressed, and the only way to snap me out of that is to put one thing on my plate that's out of my control.

So if you need me, I'll be sleeping on my desk. But at least my tire will be fixed.