I'm really bad at Confession - as in, the sacrament. For example, until 18 months ago, I had no idea that apparently, the average person doesn't simply list their sins matter-of-factly and then stop, waiting for the priest to say something. Apparently instead, people speak as if in a conversation, and then conclude with some version of "for these and all the sins I have committed, I am truly sorry."
Who knew?
I remember learning this from my spiritual director in Austria, at which point I panicked that I would have to think of casual things to say in the middle of a very serious sacrament.
"And I'm just really struggling to believe such-and-such ..." or "It feels as though God is distant..." or anything else like that just seemed very odd for me to say. But I have learned, at least a little bit.
For the longest time, I had very strong opinions of how I wanted Confession to go. If I needed confession, I didn't want sympathy from the priest. I wanted him to be at least somewhat harsh. I had sinned, darn it! His words to me should reflect my failure! I remember a particularly kind priest who, after I unloaded my soul, was helpful and gentle and wonderful. "Why couldn't he have been meaner??" I complained to Fr. S, my spiritual director, later that week. "I didn't deserve the kindness he showed me!"
Who knew?
I remember learning this from my spiritual director in Austria, at which point I panicked that I would have to think of casual things to say in the middle of a very serious sacrament.
"And I'm just really struggling to believe such-and-such ..." or "It feels as though God is distant..." or anything else like that just seemed very odd for me to say. But I have learned, at least a little bit.
For the longest time, I had very strong opinions of how I wanted Confession to go. If I needed confession, I didn't want sympathy from the priest. I wanted him to be at least somewhat harsh. I had sinned, darn it! His words to me should reflect my failure! I remember a particularly kind priest who, after I unloaded my soul, was helpful and gentle and wonderful. "Why couldn't he have been meaner??" I complained to Fr. S, my spiritual director, later that week. "I didn't deserve the kindness he showed me!"
But I think that's the point of confession. That God knows what we need, and more often than not, He helps the priest to see what we need as well. I experienced this just last night. I had been putting confession off for too long, and just really didn't want to go. It was one of those "Well, I haven't skipped Mass or committed murder, so surely I can put it off another week or two..." but then 3 weeks went by and the little things kept adding up. |
So I dragged my sorry self over to the chapel a half hour before confessions started, because we're Catholic college students and the confession line is always pathetically and extraordinarily long. I got to the front of the line and then made my way across the sanctuary to where Father was sitting. He greeted me, and we talked casually for a minute because hey, why not. After I had confessed my sins, he paused a moment, and I sat in silence. Then,
"You really need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Go for a run. Take a walk. Have coffee with a friend on Saturday. Relax! Take time for yourself."
Ooh, man. That was the only thing he said, before giving me my penance. Normally, it would have killed me.
But you know what? I finally got it. Sometimes I don't need to hear more harsh words or scoldings. Sometimes I just need to hear a spiritual father telling me what my Heavenly Father wants me to know.
It's not all necessarily about what I do, but rather who I am as a daughter of God. Simply doing all the time until I'm too busy to stop won't get me an inch closer to Heaven. It's instead how much I allow myself to grow that will make an impact, and will then effect my life, no matter how calm or busy I am. While I may think that I "don't have time" to take a walk or get coffee with a friend, it's these times of recharging that prepare me for my next task of doing the Lord's will.
As I prepare for this homecoming weekend, complete will 3 large-scale Masses and a Eucharistic procession, I will do my best to take a little time for myself, just enjoying the day. It is peaceful union with God that father encouraged, and that my Father desires.
I not only received forgiveness of my sins last night, but the gentle nudge necessary to wake me up from my delusion.
So I'd say it was a good confession.
But you know what? I finally got it. Sometimes I don't need to hear more harsh words or scoldings. Sometimes I just need to hear a spiritual father telling me what my Heavenly Father wants me to know.
It's not all necessarily about what I do, but rather who I am as a daughter of God. Simply doing all the time until I'm too busy to stop won't get me an inch closer to Heaven. It's instead how much I allow myself to grow that will make an impact, and will then effect my life, no matter how calm or busy I am. While I may think that I "don't have time" to take a walk or get coffee with a friend, it's these times of recharging that prepare me for my next task of doing the Lord's will.
As I prepare for this homecoming weekend, complete will 3 large-scale Masses and a Eucharistic procession, I will do my best to take a little time for myself, just enjoying the day. It is peaceful union with God that father encouraged, and that my Father desires.
I not only received forgiveness of my sins last night, but the gentle nudge necessary to wake me up from my delusion.
So I'd say it was a good confession.